this is a journal entry.

i'm writing because i have no other way to express the way i feel without sounding like a moronic asshole but that is what i am; a moronic asshole. tuesday was one of those mornings where i finally felt like the part of me that was missing had been found and my life was on its way to getting better. not saying that my life is bad in any way, but there was something missing and that was you. see, i never in a million years thought you'd say something to me again. i never thought that you'd even mutter my name between your sighs. or that you'd fill your cheeks with five letters. when i said hi, i never thought you'd take the time to write two letters back to me, let alone with punctuation, but you did. and i have to say that you're still my favorite girl in the world even when i don't see you. you're still my favorite girl in the world even when i don't hear from you, even now that i know that the last words you said were the last words you will ever say to me. i miss you. i miss you much harder this time than i did the first time you stopped talking to me and i don't understand why. and yes, i'm an asshole because i shouldn't feel this way but i can't help that my face smiles when you talk to me and that my knees shake at the thought of your voice. i was not talking to you in terms of anything other than friendship but i've always had feelings. i just really wasn't trying to get in the middle of anything, you made your choice a long time ago and i respect it but this, you not talking to me, isn't your choice. it's the choice of someone insecure not giving a shit about how you feel about this. you're with her, not with me, what else does she want? you live in los angeles, i live in san diego, why should us talking be an issue? why can't we have a friendship? you and i have a connection that i can't let go of. there's something that has kept me tied to this, to you. like a magnet, i feel like you're a magnet but you reject me. like i ricochet in and out of your thoughts and i just keep bouncing back and forth out of control. i miss you. plain and simple, i miss you. i miss our 3am conversations aboutt nothing. i miss the sound of your voice. i miss you. i miss our endless days talking in lyrics. you are, and will always be, an essential part of my life. i only wish to have meant something to you at some point. i will never forget you. i hope you do the same. i hope you're sleeping sound. i hope life treats you wonderfully and i hope you're the happiest girl in the world. good night, joann. til the next life.

our song.
The XX- Basic Space
i think i'm losing where you end and i begin.