Four years and a month ago today my cousin passed away. I had last seen her exactly one year prior to her death. I remember the last day i saw her as if it had been an extraordinary day in my life. I didn’t know that until a year later. I was sitting on my aunt’s chair, using her computer, it was very early, when i heard heels stomping loudly on my grandma’s hardwood floors. “Where the fuck is she?!” She said to herself as she approached the room. I remember smiling. “What the fuck are you doing?!” I stood up and gave her the best hug i could give her, she did the same.” That would the last time i hugged her. She was only 19. The last time i saw her she was placed on a casket, her cold hands resting awkwardly on her chest with a rose in between them.
The day that i found out about her death i was on my way to pick up my brothers with my mom when my aunt called us to give us the news “tengo malas noticias. Paula fallecio (i have bad news, Paula passed away). I hit the dashboard and cried and cried and i was in disbelief. A mother and father had lost a daughter, a sister had lost her sister, we lost a cousin, and lastly, a child had lost his mother. I went to my aunt’s house that day to find my aunt throwing up vomit from so much crying and my cousin kelly with her eyes so swollen it hurt mine to look at them. My head felt like it was gonna explode. We went to her old room and kelly, my cousin marco, mireya (my sister), and i sat there in silence. Mireya and i have never been close because my mom and dad divorced a long time ago and i had never had a relationship with her, i was never her sister. And this was all my fault. Kelly and marco got up and left and my sister and i were left alone in the room. An awkward silence filled the already sad room when she says with a knot in her voice that i can still hear, feel, and even taste “que triste no? (How sad, no?” i ask what and she says “kelly acaba de perder a su unica hermana y tu yo somos hermanas y no te puedo hablar (kelly just lost her only sister and you and i are sisters and i can’t talk to you).” My heart shattered in a million pieces. I had denied her a sister. I am her one and only sister, i am older, and there she was at 16 telling me what to this day will be the most important words of my life. In about five minutes, it will be my little sister’s birthday. Believe me when i tell you that the journey to being a decent sister to her has been difficult, but i’ll be damned if i don’t get there. So again, happy 22nd birthday, mireya. I love you.
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