on the eve of my birthday weekend, 28 to be exact, i got high off a pot brownie that kept me cemented on a blue beach chair for five hours. during this high, all i could think of is how i am indeed 28 years old with really nothing going on my life in any way imaginable. but to be honest, the thing that struck the most is how lonely i am. and even more than that, the realization that this is pretty much it. and no, this is not really a sad post. as i was trying my hardest to get out of my head, i was stuck inside a labyrinth of my own self-hatred that crawled through my bloodstream like poison. i tried my hardest to think positive thoughts and to my dismay, i failed. i saw how my best friend playfully and beautifully flirted with this boy who is just as beautiful as he is. they tickled eachother and slept in eachother's arms and had inside jokes about how they fuck and when they fucked and it made me extremely happy for him because i love him but it also made me feel shitty. not in a jealous way, but in a "fuck, aidee, you will fucking die alone." and i am trying to accept it but accepting that you are not good enough for anyone is no easy task; i want to be loved, i ache to be craved.
i said this wasn't gonna be sad but i lied. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry this feeling away. i don't wanna write anymore.
also, fuck you, once again.
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