your face has faded but lingers on.

you've left me so confused. i don't know. i go through phases where i just don't know and i am left with that right now. the past five years of my life have had the lowest lows of my life. to be completely frank, i can't recall where there was a high point in my life, but the lows are and have always been very present. they have always kept me company. i am not necessarily at a low at the moment, but in an "i don't know phase". and this means, professionally, emotionally, economically, romantically, psychologically. i just don't know. i would go through all of these but i am mostly going to discuss Elizabeth. if we know eachother, you know who Elizabeth is.

Elizabeth and i met on okcupid. she sent me a message, after i had browsed her profile, that said i was adorable and we went from there. we were supposed to only be talking like friends and i guess, if i think about it now, she really was, but i mistook it for something else. but we'll get to that later. we talked every day for maybe two weeks before she invited me to echo park rising in LA. i forgot to mention that she is from LA and that was the reason we were only supposed to be talking as friends. so i didn't make any promises about echo rising because i wasn't sure if i could make it. we texted and texted and subtly flirted and then one day she sent me pictures of herself in a position that you don't send to friends. she asked about echo rising and i told her i was most likely going. i was feeling shitty the friday before the day i was supposed to go to LA and fell asleep early. i woke up in the middle of the night and had two or three messages from her asking if everything was okay. she was still up when i replied. i woke up early on saturday morning and i was off to san diego. i caught the bus at 8:15 am and i was off to LA. she sent me a picture of herself in bed that morning and i hadn't been so enthralled with a girl in some time. especially one i hadn't met. i arrive to LA at around noon, wait for her for over an hour and we finally hang out. fast forward to later when we held hands and then kissed. it doesn't even matter anymore but i am so confused as to what happened. i understand when you don't like someone, you just don't. but what happened to all the affection and attention i was given. granted, i was there to see you, but why pretend to be interested? like, i don't get it. even if holding hands and kissing never meant anything to anyone, especially me, but even the random kisses on my cheek. and the nuzzling in the nook of my neck. i can understand and separate making out from actually having feelings for someone. and in some extreme occasions, i can even separate holding hands from intimacy but not the other little things. not you kissing me goodbye. not making out while you leaned against your car. giving me juice and peanuts and being so there. i can't separate that shit and say "oh, it was nothing" because shit like that means everything to me. 

it is gonna take me a really long time to get over this. it's gonna take me a long time to not repeat this shit over and over. romantically, the last five years of my life have been all over the place. the last two girls i liked, one turned out to be a cunt and the other one just kind of disappeared but there was nothing physical with either that i could be so confused over. and if we go even further back, with Paige, i knew it wasn't gonna work out because i knew she loved someone else. but with you, my god, i thought i had a chance and i was so wrong. you quit me cold turkey and i'm the one having withdrawals.

you: i'm gonna spoil you with food.

you were afraid i would disappear and you're who is slowly disappearing from me.

i read this online the other day and it fits my situation with you.

"we laughed and we flirted
we drank and got wasted
we touched and we kissed
the next day you talked like last night never existed

because i'm just another girl"