midnight rambles.

i've always taken pride in the fact that i am good at being alone, on my own. that i don't need someone to be there for me to be comfortable. it's brought to my attention, by my own loneliness, that i have been wrong all this time. truth is, i've never really been alone with the exception of that time my family went to cancun for what seemed eternity and i had to stay because i did so shitty my freshman year of high school that i was still paying the consequences of my actions my senior year. i was 18 and i was all alone with nothing but my thoughts. i remember one specific day, i think a week since they had left, where i curled up on my couch sobbing, drooling from crying inconsolably because i missed them so much. i took every picture down that wasn't my mom's, dad's, or my brothers. the day they came back i again cried inconsolably. i had never felt so alone, so lonely. it's been eight years since then and i, again, hadn't been alone since, til yesterday. my mom's getting surgery done and i won't go into details but she's been at the clinic since monday morning when we went together and i only got to see her for a short time and then i went to work; i haven't seen my brothers since sunday. i came home, ate, and went to bed. i woke up at six in the morning, showered, and i was off to go see my mom before her surgery. i stayed there for around three hours and left when they were gonna start prepping her for her surgery; i cried on my way home. i've been alone all day and i feel like shit. everything reminds me of my mom and my brothers. and now it turns out that they aren't performing any procedure on my mom until tomorrow. that means i will be alone again for one more day and it makes me sad. i don't know how to live without someone being there. i'm a coward for being 26 and acting like a child but i've never been on my own. i've never had to be alone for, completely alone, for more than 24 hours and the time that i was, i wanted to die. i guess i shouldn't have that attitude of i don't need anyone because i do.