50 miles overdue.

we met online. her screen name had the name of a band i really love and her headline was a lyric from one of my favorite bands. she had great taste in music, seemed funny, smart, and she was absolutely stunning. i guess this was my fault. she had as a requirement in her profile that only people that lived within 70 miles of her could message her and i was over by approximately 50. so i wrote an oceanside zip code and messaged her. i wasn't really expecting a reply back. she seemed very together at 27 and i was only 22, barely starting a grown up job. but i messaged her anyway, and the following day i received a reply. we bonded over the smiths and the cure and grey's anatomy and one day she messaged me that she would be deleting her plenty of fish and gave me her number in case i wanted to text her. for some reason, i texted her until the following day. i don't know why i chose her, out of every other girl, to play this stupid game, but i did. we texted briefly that night. and shortly added eachother on myspace where we would comment on eachother's page incessantly and texted eachother day and night. we talked every day for over a month. on one particular day, she mentioned that she would be meeting someone in tegan and sara show in las vegas. my heart dropped to the floor. i was filled with the anxiety of the thought that this girl would be meeting someone before meeting me and that this could potentially be all that would ever be with her. a few days after that, she changed her relationship from single to in a relationship on myspace and my heart broke. she didn't text me that day. the following day we discussed her relationship and she expressed that she was in there and i was here and that she was ready to start something serious with someone; a family, and it was something i couldn't give her. we agreed to continue talking until one day she kind of just stopped. and my heart shattered. she told me that her girlfriend was really jealous of me and that she needed to keep our friendship on the downlow, especially on social media. she said that her gf asked her if she liked me and she said she wouldn't answer that question. when i asked her why she didn't say no, she said that she didn't have to answer anything she didn't want to and that besides, her answer wasn't what her gf wanted to hear. and i stood in silence and she asked me "why are you so quiet?" on a late march evening, after attending a concert of a band we both liked, i called her and was unable to hear her or get through to her and she messaged me "i bought you something for your birthday and i'm gonna hand deliver it to san diego. i'm no cheater, but if something happens, something happens and i'm gonna let it." and i was filled with hope. she later texted that she wished she could hear my voice. the following night she said she had been trying to call me and couldn't get through, so i called her. my phone didn't have much service in the area so i placed it in a specific spot on top of my tv and set it on speaker. i had to be standing up throughout the whole conversation and it was happy about it. after that, i would call her a couple of times a week and she would ask me if she could tell me a secret or asked if she could tell me something. when that something wasn't actually a secret, she would talk and laugh at the same time and that's still my favorite sound in the world.

i'm writing this because things consume me much too hard. because it hurts to look at your pictures and it hurts to remember you. i'm writing because this isn't something everyone can understand. i'm writing this because we weren't just musical soulmates and i know you that. i'm writing this because you can't write beautiful things about me in a matter of seconds of me sending you a message and expect me to believe that i meant nothing to you. i'm writing this because it's been six fucking years and i can't get over it. i'm writing because i miss you. because to me, your face looks like something is missing. as if you weren't completely happy. as if you could be happier. i'm writing because i think you know that you could have loved harder than you love now. i am convinced you were supposed to love me and you chose an easier route. but i'm convinced you are the love of my life, and me, well, i was supposed to be yours, too.